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Still Praying in the Wilderness

There has to be something more than this.

It was the hardest season of my life, and I had not yet figured out the reason for it. One thing I was absolutely sure of: It was not — it could not be — God’s will.

My spiritual life had followed a powerful trajectory. My faith was born in a Christian home, and it was real. It continued to be real all the way into my teen years. Early in that decade, however, I came to a crisis of faith. I thought I already knew everything about the Christian faith and walk, and it wasn’t fulfilling my deepest longings. In youth group, I was the kid who lived a squeaky clean life; I was the one who could answer all the Bible questions and lead deep discussions on theology. But it wasn’t ringing true — not deep down, not where it mattered.

“God,” I prayed, “there has got to be something more. If this is all there is, I can’t keep following You.”

God heard that prayer and answered it dramatically. A few nights later, alone in my room, I encountered what people call the “presence of God” in a way I had never known it before. For the next nearly two years, I lived in a new realm of love for God and incredible, continual joy at being His. I could sense Him everywhere. I was overflowing with love. I was “on fire.”

It was revival, and I was convinced it would never end.

Then came the breakdown. Somewhere in the midst of my fervor, my fire began to cool. I began to believe that His love for me hinged on my ability to keep His commandments and please Him, and deep inside I knew I wasn’t good enough. Times of worship and prayer became dry, no longer transporting me the way they had once done, and I couldn’t do anything to restore my old passion. And worst of all? My perception of God’s presence faded away…

Read the rest of this powerfully transparent article from author and homeschool graduate Rachel Star Thompson here.

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