9 Things Homeschool Moms Want for Mother’s Day (and their chances of ever getting them)

My family knows that Mother’s Day is the #1 most important holiday of the year. This year I’m doubly anticipating a big blowout extravaganza because of the Birthday Fiasco of 2015 (in which the world’s best husband completely dropped the ball and made every single mistake possible, creating the single worst day in nearly two decades of marriage). This Mother’s Day will be super awesome, I just know it.

No pressure, dear.

Fathers, sons, and daughters everywhere need a little nudge when it comes to gift giving on this all-important day of demonstration of true love and undying gratitude toward The One Who Gave Thee Life and Allows Thee to Continue Living and Eating and Wearing Clean Clothes. You know me, I always want to help out in every way I can. So I’ve created an easy checklist of ideas of things you can give the homeschool mom in your life.

Every homeschool mom is unique and deserves to be treated as the Saint That She Is. But in case you have already bought her all the diamonds and perfume and essential oils and mansions on the planet, here’s a few more things she could really use. The best part: no assembly required.

1. Intravenous coffee

Because moms run on coffee and homeschool runs on moms and moms run out of life force around 10:30 am every day.

Chances of getting it: About 20%. I’m unusually optimistic because scientists are getting close. When the drip is perfected, we homeschool moms will be the first in line.

2. Time to use the bathroom and shower.

Because we are tired of crossing our legs and dancing until the dad gets home. Privacy would be so wonderful, we wouldn’t know what to do once the bladder was emptied and the hair blown dry, though. Maybe a nap on the fuzzy bathroom rug?

Chances of getting it: About 50%. When we start to smell like our preteen sons, someone will take pity and give us an hour.

3. A magic paper-grading machine.

Actually, just give me a 4-in-one grader/corrector/sorter/filer that transmits the grades automatically to the high school transcript.

Chances of getting it: About 75%. If you think about it, a glorified scanner can do this for us. Someone just needs to write the software. It will happen someday (can I be a product tester?).

4. Super-fast wifi.

To connect the 4-in-one machine above as well as power the two desktops, four laptops, five kindles, two tablets, and seven smart phones in the house. I don’t know why the standard two modems, splitter, and dedicated internet service provider aren’t holding up to our very typical usage rates. Maybe just pick up a private satellite on the way home, too.

Chances of getting it: About 45%. The capability is there, but for the past two years we’ve been fighting the Most Reliable Network on the Planet for enough power for our relatively small homeschool family. So frustrating. Give me power, people!

5. A live-in housekeeper.

Because people just won’t leave this house (I’ve done too good a job of making it pleasant around here, obviously) and as long as people are in the house, cleaning the house is a complete waste of sanity. Either buy a new house every month and pay for moving the books from residence to residence, or just get a live-in housekeeper. Those are your two options.

Chances of getting it: About 15%. If the government keeps raising minimum wages, ain’t nobody going to afford to hire anybody for anything. My husband will need to marry the housekeeper, and Utah seems to be cracking down on sister wives (so Texas has no chance).

6. Large personal library.

We are talking several spacious rooms with floor-to-ceiling bookshelves and a cool rolling ladder to ride on and sing like a Disney princess while tossing reading selections to delighted, inquisitive little minds. Because that’s exactly what homeschooling is all about. We are only missing the rolling ladder, and then we’d be singing princess geniuses.

Chances of getting it: About 5%. Any library we build would be outgrown in a year.

7. Online homeschool classes taught by Ryan Gossling.

Because Ryan Gossling.

Chances of getting it: About 50%. Seriously, what is Ryan Gossling doing that is more important than molding young lives while mothers watch in stunned awe? Pass the popcorn.

8. The patience to homeschool.

Because everyone assumes that we have it. And we don’t. So we need to make up that deficiency ASAP. We’ve gotten away with not socializing the children, but this patience thing is going to catch up with us sooner or later.

Chances of getting it: About 0.00001%. Have you every homeschooled preteens?

9. A medal.

Because we deserve it.

Chances of getting it: About 2%. But that’s way more likely than the patience thing.

What did I miss?

Fellow homeschool moms in need, fill me in. What else do we want?

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