How to Ruin Your Child’s Worldview in 7 Steps

You, Too, Can Raise an Atheist

Passing on a worldview is easy. You can make certain your child abandons yours with these simple steps. Follow them carefully, and you could see your child espouse the antithesis of your beliefs before he reaches adulthood.

1. Never discuss opposing viewpoints.

For anything. Whether creation vs. evolution, homeschool vs. classroom education, skirts vs pants, or Walmart vs. Target, never, ever look at the issue from another perspective. Tell your child what to think and never back down.

2. Do not associate with those who disagree with you.

If they do not go to your church, dare to eat gluten, teach in a public school, attend movie theaters, and vote Democratic, cut them off completely. Your precious minions could be tarnished by their mere presence.

3. Mock those not on your side.

Because they are wrong, and your minions need to know the consequences of being wrong. Criticize mercilessly every chance you get.

4. Quote two or three sources repeatedly until your minions accept them as infallible.

And don’t bother validating if your favorite source actually said that.

Bonus points if one of your favorite sources is Ken Ham. As in, “Ken Ham says that Sunday School is evil. I read it in Ken Ham’s new Sunday School series. It is the only Sunday School material I will use, because it is the only one Ken Ham approved.”

“Ken Ham says his Noah’s ark is more biblical than Noah’s Noah’s Ark.”

Double your points if you instagram yourself with your favorite source.

Game point if you can instagram yourself with Ken Ham, Kirk Cameron, and Duck Dynasty …… blessing your 15th child.

5. Attend a legalistic church. Better yet, home church.

This is a must. Make sure your family’s only outside influence presents clear rules for life regularly from the pulpit. The pastor must also discourage anyone from listening to outside preaching, reading unapproved books, or educating differently than his family.

Bonus points if your church has a print-out of approved Sunday School locations across the country if you dare be absent from church for a family vacation.

6. Regularly illustrate to your child the dangers of making any unapproved decisions.

Simply point out someone you know experiencing heartache or trial, and say with a sorrowful nod of the head, “See, child? That is what happens when you are away from the Lord.” Then segue into a sermon on any evil of choice (wrong music, wrong friends, dating, courtship, diet, education … they all fit).

7. Never admit you are wrong.

Last but not least, protect your integrity. Let’s not confuse the minions with any course-corrections or chinks in the armor. Mom is right, everyone else is wrong. End of discussion.

Stay Sanctified, my Sisters.